August 2008 Archives

"How wonderfully decadent! Look at all those empty beer cans and bottles, NYU and the New School must have had a market rate mixer!

Mr. Speyer, pour more chocolate icing on my belly!"

- Hedonism Bot, in response to "Stuyvesant Town: You Store it, We Cover it with Garbage"

Tishman Speyer's golf cart policy is clear, we can do whatever we damn well please! At the very least, that seems to be the policy of the "Yeee Haaa" cowboy. Once again he was on a bromantic rendezvous this morning at Starbucks, working hard for that overtime pay while using company property for personal use. To hell with those energy conservation classes!

Our Sty Spy snapped these photos of the Tishman Speyer employees around 10:30 this morning. This re-offending cowboy parked his mechanical horse in a crosswalk, blocking wheelchair access, driving in the wrong direction, despite the fact there was ample parking on the street. No wonder "Yeee Haaa" looked nervous as the staff at Starbucks took 15 minutes to make his beverage! Lucky for him there's always a traffic cop with a blind eye to look the other way.

Unfamiliar with the "Yeee Haaa" cowboy? Let us introduce you! He cuts off traffic on the city streets. He chases the elderly out of the crosswalks. He blocks scheduled deliveries for local businesses while damaging property. "Yeee Haaa" also excessively speeds and ignores stop signs. He likes to park his mechanical horse on curbs, in a crosswalks, going in the wrong direction, blocking a wheelchair ramps, and fire hydrants. It's really just too much to type.

Vigilant residents are encouraged to contact:
Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner
Department of Transportation

Full Lux Living Cowboy / Mechanical Horse Coverage

Photos submited by Lux Living reader, Mark

Stuyvesant Town invites you to take advantage of their exclusive  Gowanus Canal Labor Day Get Away!

Your home away from home, the Gowanus Canal experience is comparable to the luxurious lifestyle Stuyvesant Town residents are accustomed to.

The free shuttle leaves OvalHitchhiker Saturday Morning at 9AM sharp! The shuttle invites you to enjoy the on-board refreshments including Combos and Fanta.

The decadent cabanas along the canal will be well stocked with mosquito netting, iodine and Quell!

For more information, or to reserve a seat, please visit www.urbansherpa.biz/pcvst. You can also call the Recreation Department, at 212-598-5296.

A New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene report says that a flea and tick infestation at 19 Stuyvesant Oval has resulted in several Stuyvesant Town tenants becoming demented.

Six months ago, tenants began seeing an extreme change in their neighbors' behavior but didn't think much about it. "The construction around here is enough to drive anyone mad," says Linda Von Testa, a resident of 19 Stuyvesant Oval. "But after they replaced the sidewalks for the third time in nine months and things got back to normal some people I saw in the building were still acting pretty weird."

Mrs. Von Testa says she has seen one neighbor in particular wandering the halls late at night, covered in scabs, pecking away at her laptop and drawing on the laundry room walls with her lipstick. She saw another tenant, also covered in scabs, acting as a doorman. All night long he opened the lobby door for tenants and drug dealers, seemingly in a trance. "It's a scary place...I keep to myself," Mrs. Von Testa admits.

After numerous calls to 311, officials from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene came, collected the crazed tenants and brought them to a psychiatric ward for testing where it was determined they were suffering from dementia brought on by flea and tick bites. The building was inspected and fifty five of the apartments were found to be infested with the petite pests.

Initially, tenants thought squatters were to blame for the epidemic. The undesirable Stuyvesant Town building has been one of the hardest hit by the transient squatters who have filtrated their way into the complex in recent months due to the dangerously low occupancy rate.

The problem has been traced back to a tawdry madame who moved into the building and ran an escort service out of her apartment. Her clientele consisted mostly of Stuyvesant Town's day laborers, squatters, and management, all of whom contaminated the mistress's apartment with fleas and ticks.

Miss. Cacti Than-Soy, AKA the "Flea Madame" as the New York Post referred to her, was arrested last week and brought up on charges related to prostitution, drugs, racketeering, endangerment, and being a general nuisance. Her apartment is currently undergoing decontamination and will be available for market rate renters in September.

Marilyn Montague, a resident of 449 East 14th Street in Stuyvesant Town, is the latest victim of Tishman Speyer's Operation Clean Sweep, a clandestine project aimed at removing rent stabilized tenants to accommodate returning college students.

Operation Clean Sweep began last Sunday when it displaced eight families living on the 12th floor of 522 East 20th Street to make room for college kids attending The New School this fall. Residents had come home to find their belongings carelessly thrown from windows into the street where eager maintenance men shoved the mess into garbage trucks.

Today, Mrs. Montague came home from a church service to find her belongings left on the curb. When she went to her apartment to find out what was going on, a security guard handcuffed the 85 year-old grandmother of six to a steam pipe in the stairwell until they were done changing the locks on her apartment door.

"I'm heartbroken," she told us as she was taken by stretcher to a waiting ambulance. "Everything is gone."

Mrs. Montague was taken to Bellevue Hospital where she was treated for minor cuts and burns.

Photo submitted by Lux Living reader, Patti.

What is more luxurious than the blacktop path leading up to the dirt garden outside your front door in Stuyvesant Town? How about an abandoned golf cart! Is it an elitist lawn ornament? Hole number nine in a new miniature golf course? No, just a broken piece of equipment that Tishman Speyer abandoned there nearly a month ago.

A Sty Spy said this golf cart has been sitting outside 3 Stuyvesant Oval for weeks, dripping fluid and fulfilling its new duty as full-time eye sore. The sign taped to the steering wheel reads, "No Brakes (Hazardous)." Ask any of the hundreds of tenants who have either been hit or nearly hit by these golf carts and they'll tell you they were unaware that Tish-Spy's mechanical horses had brakes in the first place!

Surprisingly one resident we spoke with doesn't mind the mechanical mess. "The golf cart reminds me of the peaceful summers I used to spend golfing in The Hamptons with my friends June and Virginia," a tenant reminisces. "But then Tishman Speyer claimed it was my full-time residence so now I am stuck spending my summers here in 'Brown Town' with inebriated college kids vomiting in my mailbox. Such a shame."

Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, said "We don't think reports about dirt, fluid, or miniature golf are funny, entertaining or helpful for our residents."

Photos submitted by Lux Living reader, Ryan.

NTT Self Storage provides Stuyvesant Town residents with spacious storage units for a reasonable $70 a month.

As an added bonus, Tishman Speyer insulates those units for free with rat and roach infested garbage. Residents at 510 East 20th Street unwillingly take advantage of the amenity.

For more information on obtaining a storage unit contact:

NTT Self Storage LLC
338 1st Ave
New York, NY 10009

(212) 253-2436

Photo submitted by a Sty Spy.

Stuyvesant Town landscapers just can't get it right. If they are not under watering the new trees, leaving them for dead, then they are over watering the old trees, causing them to rot.

A Sty Spy snapped these photos moments after she witnessed a twenty foot branch crashing down outside 449 East 14th Street. The enormous branch, which required three grown men to move, nearly crushed two women coming out of the building when it snapped clean off the soaked tree.

Stuyvesant Town residents living at 522 East 20th Street were faced with mass evictions this past weekend when their stabilized apartments were abruptly destabilized to accommodate a contract with The New School.

On August 1st, residents received a notice via e-mail from Tishman Speyer alerting them that they had to be out of their apartments by August 15th because their apartments were promised to The New School to accommodate students returning for the fall semester.

The notice went to the entire 12th floor of 522 East 20th Street and claimed the tenants were chosen for eviction because their July rent was late by three days. "This is absurd, they slid my rent bill under the door on the third of July," a frustrated tenant tells us. "I paid it the same day! Now I come home and all of my things are being heaved into a garbage truck!"

Operation Clean Sweep, as garbage men referred to it, began Sunday afternoon when most tenants were visiting their families for Sunday dinner. "I came home and my life was gone," another tenant sobbed. "My furniture, my photos, my Christmas ornaments! Where will I go?"

Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, had little sympathy for the tenants. "Lillian Vernon?  Fingerhut? Hardly the riches of a king."

Residents of Manhattan's most luxurious housing complex know the name Stuyvesant Town is synonymous with inconvenience but a walk through the complex this morning reveals that half of Stuy Town is off limits to cars.

Both the 20th Street Loop and the 14th Street Loop are simultaneously undergoing repaving, again. Each of the two major access roads have been repaved on a yearly basis the past three years for no apparent reason.

For the next eight weeks residents who rely on the roads to park their cars are now forced to find alternative parking on the city streets or park in one of Stuyvesant Town's parking garages, for a fee of course. Oh, that's the reason.

Emergency vehicles, who already have a tough time navigating the maze-like property, now have the added handicap of trying to clearly identify buildings once they get beyond the large, green fencing put up around the construction sites. When every second counts, first responders will also have to cut their way through the fencing.

Is there anything more luxurious than paying top dollar for eight weeks, (more like twelve with the way Tish-Spy runs Stuy Town), of noise pollution, insufficient parking, and having your emergency services delayed? Just asking.

A three year old girl fell into a large hole in a Stuyvesant Town lawn over the weekend resulting in serious injury. The child was taken to nearby Beth Israel Hospital where she was treated for two broken legs and a fractured skull.

Sunday morning Stuyvesant Town resident Jane Allison and her daughter Jasmine were walking through the complex on their way to Tasti D-Lite when the accident occurred. "We were walking by this huge hole...it looked like an open grave," Jane tells us. "Suddenly a pack of rats sprung out of it, terrifying Jasmine, and she fell backwards into the grave."
 
Jane screamed for nearby workers to help but she said they didn't speak English and were slow to respond. "I was yelling "help her" and kept pointing into the hole but they just stood there." Jane said the confused workers thought she was instructing them to fill the hole and began to throw dirt on the wounded child. "I shoved them out of the way and jumped in to get Jasmine but then I got trapped too because the hole was over eight feet deep!"

Jane's screams were heard by residents walking by who called 911 and the child was taken to Beth Israel Hospital.

Residents have been complaining to management about similar holes dug and left unattended on the property. In June, weekend events were canceled in the Oval after another child had fallen into a similar grave-like hole.
 
Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, blame the children for their unfortunate accidents. "Curiosity killed the cat...and little Amanda Wentworth."

It seems like just the other day Tishman Speyer was asking the tenants to conserve power. Hmmm.

Who says construction sites aren't kid friendly? BTW, where are your parents?

If you plan on dying, tell first responders to bring wire cutters, or scissors, or something.

View more recent photos of Stuyvesant Town at Lux Living's Flickr account. Email us your glamor shots!

Photos submitted by Sty Spies.

"Reading the Tenants Association message board is helpful but Lux Living breathes fresh air into the stifling gloom and doom of the TishSpey kingdom. It"s the difference between watching a documentary on concentration camps versus Roberto Benigni's Life Is Beautiful"

- Anonymous, in response to "Stuyvesant Town's Pressure Wall Problems Solved"

Apparently, even Stuyvesant Town's children have had enough of the non-stop drilling and construction in the complex. Let's hope the child who drew this picture today in the Oval doesn't get wind of the upcoming 14th Street Loop's re-repaving!

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Andrew.

Join your fellow Stuyvesant Town residents Saturday evening at Oval Outage, (the former Oval Lounge), to learn the latest techniques in energy conservation. Beginning at sundown Tishman Speyer's brightest bulbs will be on hand to offer tenants assistance in conserving energy to help minimize the strain on the city's power supply.

Tips include:

- How to get the most gas mileage out of your golf cart or security jeep while on non-work related trips.
- How to conserve energy while leaf blowing a single lawn at 12 hour intervals.
- How to keep the new leasing office a crisp 62 degrees 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Residents are encouraged to bring in their old, standard light bulbs to trade them in for free, energy conserving fluorescent bulbs to help keep the complex looking institutional both inside and out!

Residents of Stuyvesant Town, Manhattan's most exclusive, luxury rental complex, are all too familiar with the propaganda-like marketing campaign surrounding the continually forthcoming Oval amenities. The Oval Lounge, Oval Film, Oval Study, Oval Kids, (yes, we get it, Oval), are being advertised on Stuyvesant Town's malfunctioning website, through direct mail to their tenants, on giant banners at the demolition site, and with bright signs in the new über-sterile leasing office on First Avenue.

We have all seen the ad for Oval Film which makes use of imagery from the Frank Sinatra film, The Man with the Golden Arm, but several readers have inquired if Tishman Speyer has permission to use Frank Sinatra to sell its over-priced amenities to the tenants? Just asking.

Lux Living has contacted the estate of Frank Sinatra to see if ol' blue eyes is down with old Tish-Spy. We will keep you posted.

Image taken of the banner at the demo site of Oval Film, contributed by a Sty Spy.

Eager to capitalize on Stuyvesant Town's thrifty nerd population, Flatbush Gardens is offering this handy comparison chart to show how much money Stuy Town's socially inept can save by moving out of the country and into Brooklyn.

Though cab rides are more expensive and the Metro Card fees are the same, Flatbush Gardens does save you $9.20 a week on laundry. Now that's a selling point! Plus, how much fun will you have repeating the name Flatbush, right?

And not one to be outdone by Stuyvesant Town's fake amenities, Flatbush Gardens offers its own bunch of lux attractions for the nerd herd such as the Brooklyn Bridge (?), the New York Aquarium, and Coney Island which are all just a brief two hour train ride away!

At least Waterside Plaza had the decency to depict their Stuy Town ex-patriots as respectable members of society and not the type to TiVo The Big Bang Theory.

Yesterday morning, Tishman Speyer President, Rob Speyer, was seen touring the site of the forthcoming Oval Lounge hours after an explosion nearly brought down the thirteen story building. A preliminary investigation indicates the explosion may have been caused by undocumented workers smoking near an open gas line.

Residents were awoken at 6AM by a huge explosion that violently shook the building. "I was terrified, I thought it was another terrorist attack," a distraught tenant tells us. "It's scary to think I lived through 9-11 only to be killed by Tishman Speyer!"

Another tenant saw Rob Speyer and assumed he was to blame for the explosion. "I saw all the sex clubs he made in Second Life and just assumed he found a way to make demolition kinky."

The Oval Lounge was part of a group of perpetually forthcoming amenities that Tishman Speyer will make available to tenants for a pricey membership fee. The project has seen problems in the past. 12 Stuyvesant Oval was nearly leveled during construction of the Oval's new Dress Barn and another building nearly came tumbling down in July when a support beam was accidentally cut.

Photo submitted by Lux Living reader, Patti.

Stuyvesant Town and their brilliant management team, Tishman Speyer, have finally found a solution to their recent pressure wall debacle.

The tenants who were promised pressure walls when they signed their leases have been plagued with problems the past few months. The pressure walls that Stuyvesant Town had been installing were found to be illegal after a Tuberculosis scare swept through the complex. A brief investigation determined the tenement flu outbreak was caused from insufficient air circulation and sunlight exposure brought on by the windowless walls. When the walls were also found to be a fire hazard the project was shut down completely, leaving many tenants to build their own walls with lucky bamboo and raw materials.

But those problems seem to be a thing of the past thanks to a redesigned apartment that not only allows excellent air circulation and adequate sunlight to filter in, but it gives each lease holder the option of having up to seven roommates, making their apartment almost affordable.

"This redesign is a dream come true," says Jake Adams, a market rate tenant we spoke with. "Not only can I have additional roommates, we can each have our own private bathroom which saves me a ton of time in the morning."

"This place rocks," says Brittney Allison, another market rate tenant who recently moved to the city from Nebraska. "I can have my entire family stay with me and the prison-like bars means mom and pop can keep an eye on the youngins' at sundown." Fan-see!

Jake and Brittney's enthusiasm may be short lived. Though they will be refunded the cost of the original wall, $1,000, the new wall will cost them a whopping $1,900.
 
Read more about the pressure wall situation on the Tenants Association message boards.

Stuyvesant Town's new, cutting-edge irrigation system is being hailed a "tremendous success" by George Hatzmann, Stuy Town's flora and fauna expert. After a brief, two year installation process the multipurpose irrigation system is keeping Stuyvesant Town's lawns looking lush, their sidewalks vomit-free, and criminals on the run.

The irrigation system, utilizing a new technology developed by Lockheed Martin, not only keeps the foliage amply moist, it can be used to pressure-clean sidewalks and fight crime. George Hatzmann explains. "Stuyvesant Town is high maintenance. We were constantly replanting the grass because we didn't have enough watering cans to maintain the 80 acres of grass. We were also having a hard time keeping the sidewalks clean because of the college kids constantly vomiting on the property after partying all night. When the residents complained about the recent crime wave, we knew we had to act."

Hatzmann said Tishman Speyer approached Lockheed Martin because they were impressed with their work on Mars. "Not only can they build a multi million dollar space craft but they can send it all the way to Mars and destroy it," he says, referring to the doomed Mars Climate Orbiter which crashed into the red planet in 1999. "That type of self-destructive determination is what Tishman Speyer is all about."

The irrigation system is gentle enough to water the delicate ferns yet can also disperse water at an impressive 40,000 PSI. "We're still tweaking it," Hatzmann says, pointing to a piece of the property where the irrigation system has washed away sixty feet of lawn and trees. "But overall, it's been a tremendous success."

The new system is also being used in a new initiative to reduce the dramatic crime wave sweeping the property. "Aside from putting out car fires it has greatly reduced the drug activity," Hatzmann tells us. "Who wants to buy water-logged crack?"

Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, agrees. "Less crack, more trees. Welcome to the new Stuyvesant Town."

Two persistent rows of construction fences on Stuyvesant Town's 20^th Street Loop have created a perfect haven for drug activity in the heart of the luxury complex. The fences have been in place since the beginning of June and residents say there is more drug dealing than construction work taking place on the streets of Stuy Town.

Residents began filing complaints early this summer when questionable characters began offering their kids free "goodies" at the nearby playground. "My eight year-old son came home and told me a new friend gave him rocks," said a mother we spoke with. "I thought he meant stones until he showed me a small bag of crack!"

The fences were put in place back in June but so far little construction work has taken place on the vile stretch of road. Soon after residents began to notice an influx of criminal activity from the nearby projects on Avenue D. They tell us on any given night they are offered, crack, heroin, marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, Ketamine, and crystal meth while they safely try to make their way to their front doors. One tenant was even pistol whipped when she refused to relinquish her ID key card to a pimp named "Ju-Ju" looking to set up shop in her five bedroom, mezzanine-level apartment. She says, "It's hard enough fighting off management and now this?"

Tenants once again wonder how any of this constitutes as luxury living. "It's awful. There's used condoms, hypodermic needles, and little baggies all over the ground," a disgusted tenant tells us. "It's like living next-door to Amy Winehouse."

"Management reminds me of a well dressed doorman at a strip club. They keep up the facade of professionalism but once you enter, it's a sleazy underworld with false promises of being pleasured in the private room 'round back. After hanging around long enough, you wise up, leave disappointed and much poorer for the experience."

- Strip Club Tactics, in response to "New Stuy Town Leasing Office Promises...Everything!"

Grab some Banana Boat Dark Tanning Oil and your favorite tankini and join your fellow residents for Stuyvesant Town's Pool Party a Go Go!

The pool party will be held Saturday afternoon in the large puddles of water conveniently located in front of every building. Don't worry, the new sprinklers will be sure the glamorous wading pools never run dry.

Management will supply free Danielle Steele novels and West Nile vaccinations to the first thirty guests! Get there early, babe!

The apartments are still big. Everything else is new. And boy, we've got amenities! That's the message that Stuyvesant Town would like to drive home with their new, 40,000 square-foot leasing office on First Avenue and 15th Street. Stuyvesant Town is hoping to increase its 35% vacancy rate by promising prospective tenants luxury amenities. The only problem is they don't exist.

Lux Living, along with a foxy Sty-Spy, recently paid a visit to the transparent wonderland to see how the futuristic Venus Flytrap hopes to lure new tenants to the transient property. The waiting area is full of large, illuminated signs promising lots of amenities.

Oval Lounge, a hip hangout to mix and mingle with fellow residents. Oval Film promises a cutting edge movie theater that is, judging from their 3D rendering, Frank Sinatra and heroin friendly. Oval Kids is the new daycare center where working moms can check their kids in while they go off to work. Oval Study is a quiet place for teens and college students to hit the books. Though it's questionable if any of these things are really considered amenities, new tenants may be surprised when they learn that they do not yet exist.

Aside from four large holes in the corner buildings of Stuyvesant Oval, the facilities are months away from completion. When we asked Tina, an immature 20 something year-old "new tenant liaison" about the fake amenities she assured us, "they are there." When we asked her about the amenities listed on the Stuyvesant Town website such as the "dedicated outdoor areas for dogs," she snapped once again, "they are there! OK?" When we asked her if Xeroxed flyers taped to lobby walls really counted as "lobby signage in every building" that bring "residents up to date information on news, weather (?), building maintenance and special events," she heavily sighed. Questions regarding Oval Concierge were too much for her to handle. My Sty-Spy asked if "Abigail Michaels" would provide better service than the current concierge which does nothing but eat junk food and scream at each other, she huffed off and sent over a supervisor.

Tina's manager, Rachel, approached us with a smile straight from Stepford. We told Rachel we were looking to rent a one bedroom apartment but wanted to be sure the promised amenities actually exist. Rachel not only insisted that the amenities exist, she told us of numerous, un-advertised amenities that come with a signed, one-year lease agreement. "If you live closer to Avenue C and need to get across the 80-acre property in a rush, we offer residents a choice of a horse drawn carriage or a hot air balloon ride." Really? "If you have a hard day at the office and don't feel like cooking when you come home, we'll send Alfred Portale to your apartment and he'll cook up a culinary delight, free of charge," she continued. "And he even does dishes!"

At this point Rachel began to frighten us so we thanked her for her time and tried to leave. Sweating profusely, she threw herself in front of the door and began rambling on how all the surfaces in Stuyvesant Town are "anti-bacterial" and the views from the roof-top lounges are spectacular. Shoving her aside we walked out the door and she continued shouting her rant at us. "Where are you going to live? Waterside Plaza? Ex-convicts and child molesters live there! There's a flesh eating virus going around that complex! YOU'LL SEE," she screamed before falling to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

When asked for comment Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, said "Rob Speyer told me there's no Tina in Stuyvesant Town."

New York City's Department of Transportation released a shocking report this morning claiming that Tishman Speyer employees are often drunk while illegally driving their golf carts on the city streets. The report states the cowboys were secretly monitored for a month and found them sexually harassing tenants, taunting the elderly, and driving their golf carts as far as 7th Street to get drunk at McSorley's Ale House on their lunch break.

The D.O.T. received dozens of complaints that Tishman Speyer employees were routinely breaking the law by driving their golf carts off the institutional looking property. Lux Living readers have sent in several photos catching one cowboy in particular cutting off traffic, chasing elderly out of the crosswalks, blocking fire hydrants and wheel chair ramps, and even using his golf cart to go on a bro-mantic lunch date.

The Department of Transportation watched the cowboys for a period of thirty days and what they found shocked even veteran employees.

- July 8th: Four Tish-Spy employees were seen parked in front of a blind woman sitting on a bench at Stuyvesant Oval. They revved their engines for a period of 15 minutes, suffocating the poor woman with exhaust fumes before high-fiving each other and driving off. 

- July 15th: An employee was seen driving his golf cart off the property to 7th Street where he spent three hours in McSorely's Ale House before stumbling out drunk and falling into a pile of trash. 

- July 28th: Two Tish-Spy employees were driving down 14th Street, in the wrong direction, keying parked cars as they passed them.  

- August 1st:  A Tishman Speyer employee was found unconscious and partial exposed at the wheel of his golf cart at Playground 7. He was rushed to the hospital and treated for alcohol poisoning before being arrested.

Residents of Stuyvesant Town say this unfortunate behavior is routine. "Sadly, this doesn't surprise me," said a tenant we spoke with. "They drive past me, wolf whistling, and saying things like, "sweet meat, wanna riiide?" As if I would be interested in someone who dresses like a garbage man?"

Another tenant tells us the infamous "yeee-haaa" cowboy repulses her to the point of appetite loss. "I work at Beth Israel and would go to Bruno Ravioli for lunch but not anymore. That guy is always out front, reeking of booze, leering at women while adjusting himself. I permanently lost my appetite."

Tishman Speyer spokesperson, Bud Perrone, thinks there is nothing wrong with this routine display of bad behavior and public drunkenness. He told us, "If it weren't for blacking out, I'd have no vacation time at all."

Oval Stud - The newest exotic amen(ity) - It's young, it's hot and it's even the required 500 feet away from Oval Kids.

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Joan.

Stuyvesant Town: A River Runs Through It
Stuyvesant Town: Brown Trotts Through It

Submitted by Lux Living reader, Patti

Stuyvesant Town residents are growing concerned for their health because of problematic drainage issues throughout the luxury complex. Tenants say it is increasingly common to see raw sewage running through the gutters of "Brown Town" as they now refer to it. Tishman Speyer claims there is nothing wrong with the drainage system in the complex and what residents are seeing is a new, environmentally friendly approach to landscaping though tenants are not buying the excuse because they know that Tish-Spy is usually full of...well.

Stuyvesant Town residents are well aware that the major landscaping effort that took place from February through August has been a total failure, the large number of dead trees, plants, and grass are unavoidable. New irrigation systems were installed with the hopes of keeping some of the expensive vegetation alive but broken water mains and clogged sprinklers did little more than flood the sidewalks.

Then last week residents in 6 Stuyvesant Oval complained about raw sewage flowing through their sinks and bathtubs. Management dismissed the problem, calling the tenants "slobs" and telling them to "mop it up." When 311 received nearly a hundred calls regarding the mess, they alerted the Department of Health and work crews were dispatched to clean up the raw umber.

An investigation followed and the Department of Health found disturbing evidence. It seems Stuyvesant Town's undocumented day laborers mistakenly combined the fresh drinking waters pipes, the new irrigation system and the raw sewage output all into one main line. The problem has overloaded the archaic underground system and caused fresh water to run in the toilets and raw sewage to pour from the faucets and sprinklers causing a putrid mess both inside and outside the apartments.

"I can't believe what I am seeing," a tenant tells us while pointing to the questionable brown sludge running through the bushes. "I have to wear galoshes to work. And those tenants on Sherman Avenue think they have it bad."

Another fecal-furious tenant said she is sick of the brown mess but jokes that she has a solution. "I'm going to build a pressurized wall around my kitchen sink and rent the new room out to biological terrorists."

Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, insists there is nothing wrong with the pipes and the raw sewage pouring through Stuyvesant Town is part of a new environment-friendly initiative to keep the manicured lawns look lush. "Lots of people are going green these days, we just haven't gotten the color right yet."

"This Website, its author, and the commentators are both refreshingly comic and seriously insightful. However, tenants are growing very concerned about health and safety factors in the complex. And that is no joke. Basic systems breakdowns--heat, plumbing, elevators, security intercoms--are deeply worrisome and make one apprehensive about future, more serious breakdowns."

- Anonymous, in response to "6 Stuyvesant Oval Wakes Up to Fecal Disaster"

Tishman Speyer wants your blood. Really!

Join fellow residents at Oval Clot this Saturday morning and trade in a pint of plasma for a delicious, baked cookie.
 
Tishman Speyer promises that 100% of the donated blood will be sold on the black market go directly to the Red Cross.

Dang y'all! We're seeing a reoccurring theme here. Overweight, Tish-Spy cowboys wanderin' off the Stuy Town ranch to strap on their feedbags. This cowboy parked his mechanical horse on 14th Street near Avenue B, crossing four lanes of street traffic and parking on a sidewalk, just to fill his pie hole! Maybe if they did more walking and less eating the city streets would be safer for thems' city folk.

Vigilant residents are encouraged to contact:
Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner
Department of Transportation

A Sty-Spy sent us this photo of a Tish-Spy mechanical horse corralled on First Avenue. This cowboy is obviously an outlaw because he is all about breaking the rules in Dodge! He's parked on a curb, in a crosswalk, going in the wrong direction, blocking a wheelchair ramp, and a fire hydrant. Let's just hope there's no youngin's underneath there!

We're still awaitin' comment from Bud "Blind Eye" Perrone regarding this illegal behavior.

Vigilant residents are encouraged to contact:
Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner
Department of Transportation

Tishman Speyer's "yeee haaa!" cowboy was out on the range again today, this time with a heavyset man pal and a hefty bag o' grub. Once again he was illegally driving his mechanical horse on the city streets, though at least he didn't mow down any elderly in the crosswalk or damage property today. Who says there's no progress in Stuyvesant Town?

Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone, had no comment when asked how many times this fool has to be photographed breaking the law before he's taken off duty.

Vigilant residents are encouraged to contact:
Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner
Department of Transportation

Stuyvesant Town tenants residing at 6 Stuyvesant Oval woke up this morning to find raw sewage pouring through their sink drains causing a mess that will take dozens of work crews days to clean up.

Frustrated residents were quick to call management who dismissed the mystery fluid as "dirty water" and told them to "mop it up." It wasn't until New York City's Health Department received more than eighty phone calls that crews in hazmat suits were dispersed to begin cleaning up the vile sludge.

Tishman Speyer spokesperson, Bud Perrone, had no comment. Meanwhile Tishman Speyer has set up several cots in the senior center and invites displaced residents to take advantage of the amenity.

Stuyvesant Town has seen a dramatic increase in crime this summer and residents are concerned that security is not doing enough to keep them safe in the sketchy complex.

The increase in homeless squatters taking over vacant apartments and the influx of wealthy, market rate tenants have created the perfect storm of circumstances for crime to surge on the 80-acre property. "I haven't seen such blatant criminal activity since the '70s," a tenant anonymously tells us. "I'm afraid to go out at night."

Since the beginning of June there have been 142 muggings in the complex that involved perpetrators wielding knives, guns and tasers. A young woman was assaulted in front of the new leasing office on First Avenue recently by two male attackers who pulled the woman's Kate Spade purse over her head and beat her unconscious with her Fendi flip-flops before taking off with her wallet and cell phone.
 
A man in 20s was staggering home late one night and was accosted by three men who were hiding in the dense bushes outside his apartment building. The resident was maced before the thieves stole more than $300 in cash from his wallet.

And now residents are forced to park their SUVs in the underground parking lots for a hefty $500 a month due to the increase in torched vehicles on the complex. "I don't feel safe here anymore," a tenant told us as he sprayed his Hummer with flame retardant foam.

Residents want to know why criminal activity is on the rise in the wake of the recent installation of nearly 20,000 new security cameras on the property. "Their selective spying puzzles me," a resident tells us pointing to a security camera. "They yell at me through the intercom when I light my cigarette in the doorway yet they fail to notice when a 12 year-old girl is dragged kicking and screaming into a van by four men dressed like clowns?"

Stuyvesant Town of course denies the increase in criminal activity. Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone told us, "The residents have an over active imagination. Beatings, muggings, kidnappings...pish posh!"

Tishman Speyer's investors obviously don't read the news. If they did, they would know why the vacancy rate in Stuyvesant Town is at an all time high. With Tishman Speyer's Gestapo evicting legal tenants, small children being hit by golf carts, and 24 hour, round-the-clock construction and landscaping it's no wonder the unlivable complex lost $4.8 million dollars last year.
 
The New York Post reports that investors fear the loan to Jerry and Rob Speyer may have been too "aggressive."  The financial loss is so tremendous that Tishman Speyer had to tap its $650 million cash reserve and investors are concerned that they'll have to do the same to save the ailing complex.

"I think they bit off more than they can chew," said a source familiar with the deal. "You don't increase your occupancy rate by giving apartments away on the local radio. It's looks rather desperate."

Be sure to check out our Flickr account for luxurious photos of Stuyvesant Town submitted by our readers!

"Now I know why there was a laundry-room cart full of garbage in the hallway when I came home last night. Part of the reconstruction of the reconstruction project. I guess the slices of bread were being used as spackle."

- The "E" Line, in response to "Stuy Town's Pressure Wall Alternatives Come Down"

Parents, shake off that red wine hangover and get down to Oval Brats Saturday morning to register your future superstars in Stuyvesant Town's Children's Talent Show!

Is your son destined to be the next Chris Farley? Can your daughter work a runway like the misunderstood JonBenet? Then get those cash cows registered with Stuyvesant Town's First Annual Children's Exploitation Talent Show!

The talent show will take place August 26th at 6:30PM in Stuyvesant Oval. The grand prize winner can expect to take home tens of dollars in gift certificates from local businesses including Radio Shack, Walgreens, and Tampon Hut.

Game on!

[image credit: colby katz]

First day of summer: June 20, 2008

Number of "upgraded" facilities: 0

Number of tacky flyers boasting  M.I.A. amenities: 15,847

Business as usual.

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