With only 18 months left in office, Mayor Bloomberg's corporate pals are desperate to find a replacement who will continue waging the war on the middle class. Tishman Speyer CEO, Jerry Speyer, says he is ready for the job and has been working diligently on his strategy with his team of advisors [pictured].
Following in the footsteps of Rudy Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg, Speyer promises to continue the crusade of forcing the middle class out of New York City. His first plan of attack is to close down the few remaining mom-and-pop shops. "The people of New York City want luxury," he told the New York Post, "not small junk shops with people shooting dice on the sidewalks with their chickens. That's just vile." His plan calls for all of the city's small shops and bodegas to be converted into luxury apartments complete with floor-to-ceiling glass walls. For those willing to pay a lot extra he will allow the new tenants to rip up the existing city sidewalks to make luxurious private gardens, forcing pedestrians to walk in the gutter.
To raise awareness for his campaign, Speyer is planning a three-prong approach to his lux vision. First Speyer will put his controversial "Stuyvesant Town New York City" 4th of July banner on all of the city's taxis, bagel street carts, and falafel shacks to let the "common person" know their days are numbered.
Second, Speyer plans on high jacking the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This fall, the parade will be rerouted through Stuyvesant Town where's Speyer's ex-gal pal Katie Couric will host the event from the senior center. The parade will include an elaborate Stuyvesant Town float showing the complex bathed in sunlight with happy 20-something-year-old tenants sipping cosmos under full grown, perfectly planted trees. The float will be pulled by a herd of the Tishman Speyer golf carts, though golf cart pack leader George Hatzmann promises they "won't go too fast."
And last but not least Speyer plans on renovating the Con Edison power plant on 14th Street to make the building his new corporate headquarters. Speyer wants to a keep close eye on his Stuyvesant Town / Peter Cooper Village tenants and rule them with an iron fist. When he is displeased with their complaining about unlawful evictions and unlivable, squalid conditions, he will let loose a roaring amount of steam from the plant, verbally abuse his tenants and tell them that the great and powerful Speyer has spoken.
When asked what they thought of the plan, both market rate and rent stabilized tenants we spoke with were horrified. "The Speyer's are worse than Robert Moses," said one tenant. Another said they fear if Jerry Speyer becomes mayor, the entire city will be turned into a corporate park. "If they have their way, Poland Spring and Office Max will be the only deliveries we'll be able to get."
Visual submitted by Lux Living reader, Mad Max
Bend over and prepare for the plunger, middle class NYers, "it's JerrySpeyer time!"
Everytime they cross 20th street in an unlicensed, unregistered, uninsured golf cart, they violate nine city ordinances. Go TS! F the laws, there's a new sheriff in town.
That's a terrific picture of Jerry, George and the TS Staff. I'm assuming they're in the "Oval Lounge" and wearing gas masks because of all the noxious fumes leaching up from the brownfield underneath it.
I think they're actually looking at architect drawings for the new "pressure walls".
Great stuff. Scathing text, terrific phot complete with StuyTown toxic fountain and pigeons flying the coop.
(Photo, that is. Did I say coop? You didn't hear it from me.)