May 2008 Archives

demolition-derby.jpgIf you are hankering for the smell of leaded gasoline and the thrill of danger, be sure not to miss Stuyvesant Town's 1st Annual Demolition Derby at the Oval Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! morning.

Out-of-service golf carts from the maintenance department will be provided to thrill-seeking tenants to trick out and crack up. Registration starts at 9AM followed by a six hour opening reception sponsored by Budweiser.

Unbalanced celeb Nick Hogan will be on hand to tap the inaugural keg and drive the winner home!

id-key-card.jpgStuyvesant Town's key card program has been controversial from the start because of the privacy issues it raises but now PCVST tenants are learning that their greatest fears have come true.

The photo ID data-tracking key cards were forced upon tenants earlier this year when Tish-Spy deemed the existing front door keys were passé for their luxury property. Residents were required to march to the management office, show six forms of identification and provide employment records dating back to 1985 before earning the right to have a muddled, digital photo printed on a tacky white card in order to enter their apartments.

One tenant recently took their ID card to a technology expert who discovered that the card does more than let you through the front door. Aside from tracking when you enter and leave a building, the cards are programmed with a "smart technology" chip that scans credit and debit cards kept near the ID card. This information is then passed on to Tish-Spy to review credit card purchases and bank transactions before deciding whether or not to renew a tenant's lease. The card is also equipped with a GPS system to stalk tenants and, with women, if kept close enough their bodies, can tell their ovulation cycle.

Though Tish-Spy admits they store the data, they won't admit to how long or for what purpose though they insist the system has been set in place to protect the residents. "We have a lot of young girls who move here from the sticks," said a senior level manager. "When they drink too much at Marquee and end up dead in a dumpster in Hoboken, we'll find them!"

gestapo.jpgAs reported in The New York Times this morning, Tishman Speyer is hard at work evicting Stuyvesant Town's rent-stabilized tenants. It's been no secret that Tish-Spy has hired three separate law firms to dig up dirt on tenants to use as grounds for eviction but they have now broadened their "black list" making it harder for stabilized tenants to exist.

They have mobilized a secret police unit to go door to door tossing rent-stabilized tenants on the street if they are found breaking the new rules. These rules include:

- Painting your apartment with anything other than Stuyvesant Town's lead-based paint.
- Refusal to sign the agreement that no lead paint has been used even though it has.
- Turning off pre-tuned Stuy Town propaganda radio channels.
- Hanging actual artwork on the walls.(Art will be confiscated.)
- Decorating apartments in anything other than contemporary modern Dutch junk.

Panicked residents are placing large bookcases in front of their apartment doors with the hopes the secret police won't discover them. Residents caught breaking any of these rules are gathered up, tattooed with an identification number, and carted off to Staten Island.

Tish-Spy says they are working within the law to evict tenants they feel are "abusing the system" though most tenants, both stabilized and market rate, feel harassed as usual. "They now have police trucks slowly drive through the complex on the last day of the month and use a bullhorn to remind tenants the rent is due the following day," said one new tenant. "That was never mentioned in my welcome package!"

stuy-town-dress-barn.jpgGroundbreaking began today on a new retail initiative in Stuyvesant Oval that hopes to see a slew of retail shops in the heart of the complex by fall. As usual developers have run into problems.

Fourteen new retail shops will be opening throughout the Oval including Office Depot, Sally Beauty Supply, and Dress Barn whose new façade almost came crumbling down this morning when developers used a wrecking ball to remove a portion of 12 Stuyvesant Oval. They quickly halted demolition when the building began to lean to one side and had to be put on supports.

When Tish-Spy was notified of the debacle they quickly arrived on the scene to speak with the developers who unfortunately did not speak English. When pressured for answers the developers scaled the illegal immigrant fence and were not seen again.

Tish-Spy management also squashed rumors that another Associated Market would be part of the new strip mall. "We've frustrated the residents enough, we don't need to inflict bitter, 16-year-old sales clerks on them as well."

organic-sidewalks.jpg Only two years ago Stuyvesant Town rand Peter Cooper Village replaced most of the sidewalks within the 80-acre property yet already they are severely cracking. The obvious reason would be that really cheap concrete was used but this is not the case. Stuyvesant Town is one of the first gated communities in Manhattan to implement environmentally conscious "organic" sidewalks.

Though nobody has ever heard of such a thing, Stuyvesant Town insists the sidewalks were meant to crumble to pieces prematurely. "When the sidewalks begin to crack open it allows the island's natural vegetation to show though giving the complex a warm, healthy glow," says hard surfaces coordinator Mark Mann.

Still, most tenants say they just cut corners and are eagerly awaiting more rent increases when the sidewalks are replaced a third time.


"Not surprisingly, Tishman Speyer refuses to accept responsibility for their over-planting that has sickened so many tenants, and insists the pervasive green fog around Stuy Town is actually leftover smoke from 9/11.

As a spokesman for management put it, "If people continue to mistakenly blame us, the terrorists will have won."


- Girl in response to "Allergy Season a Killer in Stuyvesant Town"
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corona.jpgWith a generous corporate contribution from Corona, Stuyvesant Town was able to reopen the prized fountain in the Oval this morning. Lux Living reported earlier this week that the fountain was mysteriously closed for repairs and when funding ran out for the project, the future of the fountain seemed bleak.

"We spent so much money on these damn plants that we have nothing left over for regular maintenance issues," said managing director George Hatzmann. "Thank god Corona could bail us out!"

Stuyvesant Town residents are invited to visit the Oval this weekend and sample free Corona beer which now flows through the fountain.

lanlord.jpgThe Stuyvesant Town management office on Avenue C is now the star of a new reality TV show about living the high life in Stuyvesant Town. Landlord Have Mercy will focus on the hectic routine of the management staff as they ensure residents are as happy as pigs in sh*t.

A tipster in the management office told us the cameras caught a treasure trove of resident drama today, the first day of filming! One resident inquiring about a mysterious charge on his rent bill was told the $140 charge was for a new key to his laundry room. Apparently the locks were changed in his building with no warning and for no reason, leaving tenants locked out of their storage units and laundry room for weeks. When asked why he is being charged for the new key, the clerk behind the counter simply smiled and said, "because we can."

Another resident with a three bedroom, rent-stabilized apartment found it odd that her rent bills stopped showing up right after a failed attempt by management to have her evicted. It's no surprise that paying your rent late is grounds for eviction!

And when another tenant in a wheelchair made an attempt to straighten out a problem she was having, management threw down tire spikes, preventing her from entering the office.

When asked if they thought the questionable management tactics were hurting their "luxurious" image, a Tish-Spy spokesperson said "...any publicity is good publicity. Now here's your bill."

fountain.jpgTenants who enjoy gazing upon the magnificent fountain in the Oval will have to spend their afternoons gazing at something else for the next few months while the fountain gets yet another makeover.

Stuyvesant Town's prestigious fountain, one of their prized amenities, was completely renovated just three years ago which leaves some tenants wondering why the new fountain is being demolished and rebuilt yet again. "Totally wasteful," said one tenant who stared at the empty hole in the middle of the complex. "When does this construction end? It's like living in Baghdad."

She continues, "You can't sleep because of the construction. You can't breathe because of the pollen. Can someone please explain to me what is so luxurious about this place? It's lost on me."

In the meantime, management invites tenants to refresh themselves during the warm, summer weather with the leaky hoses attached to the buildings. Just like The Trump World Tower!

allergies.jpgAs allergy sufferers know spring can be an unpleasant time of year, but now the season has turned deadly. The number of Stuyvesant Town residents that have been hospitalized for respiratory problems has dramatically increased thanks to the mysterious green fog engulfing the luxury complex.

Residents noticed the fog a few months ago when the 5,863,296 new trees and plants were planted throughout the complex. When chemical fertilizers and massive amounts of Miracle Grow were dumped on the new foliage, the plants began to release an unusual amount of pollen. The green sheen has sent hundreds of Stuyvesant Town residents to the hospital and has resulted in 6 deaths including the Nasonex bee.

The 43 local drug stores including Walgreens, Duane Reade and CVS have all experienced a shortage in allergy medication. "When we started running out of Sudafed we thought residents were cooking up meth," said a CVS employee. "Wishful thinking...it's still hard to find tina."

gentrification.jpgFeeling the heat from some tenants who feel the neighborhood is becoming overly gentrified, Stuyvesant Town and Tishman Speyer fought back over the weekend by covering First Avenue with rotten garbage and debris.

"We want to show the community that we still have edge," said a senior level manager who wished to remain anonymous. "Besides, we'll just jack the rents for the new tenants to pay for the clean up, they are expecting it anyway."

The large retail space located on First Avenue and 15th Street has sat empty for years because local businesses can't afford the ridiculous price Stuy Town is asking. To fill the financial void Stuy Town is moving their management office to the location where they can proudly display their smug, twenty-something year old staff.

tile-1.jpgHow do you encourage businesses to move into retail space when you're asking $1,200 a square foot? Show them how exquisite your store front could look!

Our Stuy-Spies passed this retail space on 15th and First, (it's been vacant ever since the trendy Foot Locker moved out 3 years ago), and noticed that the faux marble tiles are falling off the building. What's even better is that management thought they could fix it, unnoticed, with green packing tape. Tres chic!

Falling tiles have been a major problem for local businesses on First Avenue where customers at Gracefully, Bruno Ravioli and Tasti D-Lite have been injured recently.

When asked for comment Stuy Town Management said the buildings are supposed to shed their tiles. "Tenants should spend less time eating and more time working," said Donalda Habershamm. "I mean, you know what we ask for rents, right?"


"As the helicopters retreated, several residents expressed disappointment that they were not witnessing the Apocalypse now but must continue to endure the makeover.

When asked for a comment on the mistaken humanitarian effort, Stuy Town spokesman D. Alighieri said there is no truth to the rumor that the Oval is really the fourth circle of hell.

Mr. Alighieri added that he loves the smell of roach spray mixed with diesel in the morning."


- Wendy in response to "Stuy Town Turns Down UN Relief"

satc.jpgAs part of the nine month publicity campaign building up to the premier of the new Sex and the City movie, Stuyvesant Town will be hosting a SATC theme party at the Senior Center Saturday night.

Though none of the cast will be there of course, celebrity impersonators will be on hand representing the trashy gals that have helped turn New York City into a playground for insipid women obsessed with shoes, sex and cosmos.

Mothers are encouraged to bring their young daughters for a special class that will teach the vixens-in-training how to dumb themselves down to attract popular boys. Patricia Field will also be on hand to show the newly stupid girls how to utilize found objects to make whorish outfits.

irigate.jpgStuyvesant Town's new irrigation system has finally been installed and the lawns have never looked so luxurious! With their proven success on the small patches of grass (pictured), residents are confident that the costly amenity will sustain the 1,980,025 trees and plants recently planted throughout the complex.

"Sure, we flooded a few buildings which damaged thousands of dollars worth of personal property. We also hit a sewer line which filled a lobby with feces. And we had to dig, and then re-dig large portions of the lawns," says managing director George Hatzmann as he explains some of the minor setbacks. "But it was clearly worth the effort. Oh, and please don't smoke on the lawn Scarecrow," he laughs.

This MCI is absolutely worth its weight in gold!

art-show.jpgStuyvesant Town is ready to kick off summer with their annual Resident Art Show to show the new market rate tenants how hip the neighborhood is. And what better way to promote the artistic New York lifestyle than to use real New York artists as cultural chum to attract the bourgeois shopper!

Contestants are encouraged to submit their edgy, black and white photos of squirrels and water colors of the local greenery with the hopes of winning the prestigious title of Stuyvesant Town Resident Art Show winner. Let's hope Chelsea is watching!

Winners will be awarded prizes of $25, $10, or $5. All residents can view submitted artwork and vote for their favorite pieces between May 1, 2008 and May 29, 2008 by registering online at www.pcvst.com.

The semi-promoted event hopes to demonstrate that you can pay $11,000+ for a one bedroom apartment while giving back to the community.

Somewhere, performance artist Karen Finley is slashing her wrists.

exotic-animals.jpgAs part of Stuyvesant Town's spring rejuvenation program, the complex will receive over 2,000 new exotic animals this week. Residents can now expect to see boa constrictors, Amazon parrots, and Patagonian pumas scurrying about the complex while rushing to work.

"Stuyvesant Town residents expect nothing but the utmost luxurious living experience," says Thomas O'Toole, Stuyvesant Town's exotic animal specialist. "Quite frankly the black squirrels and mourning doves just aren't cutting it anymore."

In addition to the snakes, birds and cougars, later this month tenants will be able to view Stuy Town's own Loch Ness Monster in the new moat (pictured) being constructed.

When asked how management comes up with these exotic ideas, Mr. O'Toole told us "we like to think outside of the box...after a long night at McSwiggins." Just like The Donald!

stuy-town-un-relief.jpgStuyvesant Town residents were jolted awake at 5AM this morning by the sounds of UN helicopters dropping food and supplies on the complex in what has been called a "huge mix-up" by Stuy Town management.

The United Nations, misunderstanding an article in The New York Times yesterday which referred to Stuyvesant Town as a "war zone," began dropping rice, bottled water, and medical supplies on the complex for several hours. Even after local authorities explained to the UN volunteers that Stuyvesant Town was not ravaged by war, that the complex was just undergoing an extreme makeover, they were still in disbelief and continued throwing Band-Aids at tenants.

Once the confusion was cleared up, the supplies were sent to China to help the survivors of yesterdays devastating earthquake though UN staffers said Stuyvesant Town was in worse shape. Tenants were disappointed to see the helicopters leaving as the free rides made it easier to get around the complex.

When asked for comment Mayor Bloomberg said "Take a look around here. It's an easy mistake to make. "

stuy-town-staging.jpgWith Stuyvesant Town's occupancy rate dropping faster than one of its rogue elevators, Tish-Spy has stooped to a new low with a cunning stunt to trick potential renters into signing on the dotted line. They recently hired Cetra/Ruddy to stage the units in a "very young and hip style" which includes all the build-it-yourself, IKEA styled, crap furniture that someone with no taste could ever want. Mmm, fruit!

The smoke and mirrors trick is part of a plan to keep possible tenants from realizing that the "luxury rentals" are no different from most New York City projects. TS hopes the child-like, primary colors will distract lookers from noticing that the units are completely void of any kind of architectural detail and that the "modern kitchens" they brag about are nothing more than your typical Lowes floor model.

Stuy Spys recently spotted The Hills star Lauren Conrad, or one of the thousands of girls who look just like her, checking out a model unit and was overheard saying, "Like, this place, is like, funky and stuff."

roach-racing.jpgIn the spirit of this week's Kentucky Derby, Stuyvesant Town and Tishman Speyer are hosting its 2nd annual Roach Racing in the Oval spectacular. Tenants are encouraged to collect roaches from their apartments. laundry rooms, hallways and closets, and enter them to win the coveted $50 cash prize.

Combat
, which sponsors the high-society event, will provide runners up free roach traps to be used to make examples of the losers.

free-shuttle.jpgStuyvesant Town residents are thrilled with the new free shuttles that Stuy Town is offering to the Hamptons and Fire Island this summer. The email sent out Thursday read "If you want to get away but don`t have a car, Peter Cooper Village and Stuyvesant Town are offering shuttles to The Hamptons and Fire Island this Spring and Summer."

The email went on to say that if you can't afford a car, you obviously can't afford a place in either The Hamptons or Fire Island. That is why PCVST will make arrangements for tenants to stay in luxurious youth hostels and breezy beach front flop houses.

Some tenants we spoke with suggested that it is management who should take the shuttles and never return.

For more information, or to reserve a seat, please visit www.urbansherpa.biz/pcvst. You can also call the Recreation Department, at 212-598-5296.

elevator-accident.jpgIn Stuyvesant Town, living luxuriously means not having to pay a small fortune or stand in long lines to experience theme park-like thrills and chills. Instead, all you need to do is ride the elevator!

One tenant in 8 Stuyvesant Oval recently told us his story in which his elevator fell to the ground resulting in multiple injuries upon impact. What a panic! The best part is when he used the emergency call button in the "ghetto blaster," (that's what the elevator installers referred to them as), he was connected to a disconnected phone line and had to wait 25 minutes to be released from the fallen death trap.

Stuyvesant Town representatives said they were unaware of the theme park rides and mentioned a possible rent increase for the added amenity.

scarry.jpgStuyvesant Town residents will now have to get use to even more commotion as the production of Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go begins shooting next week. The feature film adaptation of the best-selling children's book is set to film for eight weeks.

After months of location scouting for the project had been unsuccessful, the crew stumbled upon a story in The New York Times that compared the construction calamity in Stuy Town to that of Ground Zero. "Why should we waste time and money trying to create complete and utter vehicular chaos when you have it all in this once quiet neighborhood," said one of the film's producers.

Much to the tenants delight, over 100 large rats and 300 filthy pigeons have been cast in the film, relieving them of their daily duty of spreading disease and disgust.

gay-tenants-crystal-meth.jpgPanicked that their plans of attracting Sex and the City type girls has backfired, Stuyvesant Town is looking to diversify their tenant population by shifting their attention to the gay community.

Stuy Town management originally thought that by attracting lots of young women with disposable income they would make the complex trendier. Instead there are now 15 new drugstores trying to cope with the higher demand for tampons, tabloids and Häagen-Dazs.

Stuyvesant Town's new plan is to offer their potential gay clientèle free crystal meth and allow them to open antique shops wherever they want so long as they agree to the $450 dollar a square foot rent they are asking for retail space.

When asked to comment on the new directive a spokesperson for the Gay Men's Health Crisis heavily sighed, hung up the phone and went to smoke a Parliament.

dumpster.jpgWith the influx of new tenants willing to pay $9,000 + for a one bedroom apartment overlooking the scenic FDR, Stuyvesant Town has had to make some adjustments in waste management. Starting May 1st all market rate tenants will now be able to rent their own private dumpster, making frivolous waste a breeze.

The 30 foot long dumpsters hold up to 3 tons of garbage making it easier to unload broken strollers, Dunkin' Donuts travel mugs and scratched SUVs. "I'm glad they got rid of those wicked gay recycling bins," says a new transplant from Boston. "These things hold way more crap."


border.jpgStuyvesant Town management has taken drastic measures to keep illegal immigrants from raiding the complex with an elaborately cloaked, rusty chain link fence. The fence runs from Avenue C to First Avenue on 14th Street and is part of a new initiative to keep the local immigrants out of Stuyvesant Town.

Long time Stuyvesant Town residents shake their heads in disbelief. "I don't understand this new white-washing of our community," said one tenant. "They should build a fence around the management office to keep these bad ideas contained!

Feeling the heat, management insists that the fence it to keep out terrorists, not immigrants. "We love illegal immigrants," says a senior level manager. "After all they are great landscapers and they can get a pizza to my door in 15 minutes. Win. Win."

dude-bro.jpgNeed something exciting and luxurious to do this weekend? Take advantage of the diverse nightlife the East Village has to offer and go on the Dude & Bro Pub Crawl.

The weekly event is hosted by Steve and Fast Eddie, two Jersey transplants who are no longer afraid of coming to the city. Wearing matching t-shirts and white Reeboks, you will hop from one Irish pub to the next slamming shots of Jager, vomiting in front of bodegas and using the words 'dude' and 'bro' so frequently it will make your parents wonder why they sent you to an expensive school.

Get a free drink if you can correctly guess the number of times the native New Yorkers call you 'douche bag.'

monitor.jpgWith all of the luxurious things going on in Stuyvesant Town, Peter Cooper Village is feeling a bit left out. PCV is offering an incredibly valuable service to get the attention of its tenants...flat screen monitors in the lobbies!

Dying to know which one of your neighbors has recently been run over by a PCVST golf cart? Visit the lobby! Want to know if your hot water will be abruptly turned off again? Visit the lobby! Need to get your NYU class schedule? Visit the lobby!

If the program is a success, additional monitors will be installed in the lobbies of Stuyvesant Town next April. Then residents can stay up to date on important happenings at the Senior Center and have access to Stuy Town's summer picnic schedule. Residents are eager to take advantage of this new technology and are equally excited at the possible $175 a month rent increased required to pay for all of it.


oval-fitness.jpgTo make up for the plethora of shops selling burritos, ice cream and unpronounceable sea creatures, Stuyvesant Town has finally caved to requests for a useful service on the property. The luxurious, state-of-the-art Oval Fitness recently opened at 520 East 20th Street but the gym is so overloaded with expensive equipment that there is no room for people to use any of it.

The 5,700 square-foot ghost town is also a huge disappointment to the local perverts who thought they hit the jackpot when they saw all of the fitness equipment through the floor to ceiling windows. "I thought I was dreaming when I saw the unobstructed view right into the gym," said one local man who wished not to give his name. "But there's never anyone in there!"

The problem may not be the gym itself. It seems that residents of Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village are accustomed to getting their daily exercise by walking up and down 13 flights of stairs due to the constant malfunctioning elevators. Management is looking into the situation and promises to get some answers by fall.


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