April 2008 Archives

Reverend Al Sharpton has dropped his Sean Bell crusade like a hot potato to fight for the rights of Manhattan's littlest underdogs, Stuyvesant Town's black squirrels. Sharpton has called Stuyvesant Town's extreme green makeover "racist, elitist, sexist, ageist, fascist, classist, homophobic, ironic, iconic, quixotic and totally unacceptable" because he feels that the large trees are being cut down to purposely force the black squirrels into neighboring parks. He also said that the rumors about the black squirrels being a local gang are false.

Sharpton is calling for a "week of justice," encouraging community members to stop buying peanuts from Associated Market for an entire week. Reverend Sharpton is convinced that if all of the black squirrels are forced out of the park, the pigeons could be next.

Sharpton also added that he wants the "Black Dahlia" case reopened and all existing copies of Karen Finley's "Return of the Chocolate Smeared Woman" to be burned. Mayor Bloomberg sooo had no comment.

Clearly angered by the raping of the lush parks in Stuyvesant Town, Mother Nature struck back by hurling a huge asteroid into the complex.

At first residents assumed the loud noise was the Con Edison plant exploding for the seventh time in ten years but quickly realized the loud crash was only the angered heavens.

To say New York City is becoming gentrified is stating the obvious. Crime and violence used to make the city streets dangerous but nowadays it's the SUV-sized baby carriages and newcomers in flip-flops lacking peripheral vision that have native New Yorkers on edge. But children in Stuyvesant Town have nothing to worry about thanks to the new, hazardous sandboxes being installed in the playgrounds.

As part of a new anti-gentrification initiative Stuyvesant Town is rolling out, toddlers will now have the chance to play in the complex's new edgy playgrounds. Say goodbye to ergonomic monkey bars and germ-free slides and say hello is sandboxes filled with nails, live wires and "discipline hoses" which allow parents to blast their children with cold water when they misbehave.

"This is freakin'genius," said one native New Yorker mom. "I was concerned that when my daughter grew up she wouldn't be able to hold her own in a mosh pit but seeing her burn other children with cigarettes left in the sandbox I obviously have nothing to worry about." Another mom told us she loves that her son has an opportunity to be aggressive at such an early age because when he starts kindergarten he'll have an advantage to bullying children who recently relocated to the city. "Hey, it makes my life easier," she says.

Be sure to spend your weekend luxuriously by patronizing Stuyvesant Town's fantastic shops!

Payless Shoes

Dunkin' Donuts

Game Stop

Walgreens

Radio Shack

Associated Supermarket

Tasti D-Lite

Strawberry (No Website Available)

As part of their major overhauling of the previously quiet grounds, Stuyvesant Town has installed a series of disfigured topiaries with the hopes to engage children in a dialogue about discrimination. The 6 foot tall, partially blind chicks were installed on Easter, coinciding the day Jesus was disfigured during his crucifixion ordeal. "The idea is to demonstrate to children that though we are all different and beautiful individuals, sometimes individuality has its downside," says recreational director Tabitha Starcke. "And who better to use as an example than Jesus, I mean, that was sort of his thing."

Stuyvesant Town is providing a free eight week crucifixion clinic to children under 10 to teach them valuable, real-world skills such as woodworking, problem solving, and social interaction. During the clinics children will make their own crosses which they will be forced to carry to the oval where they will be put on display. Stuyvesant Town has hired edgy photographer David LaChapelle to photograph the children reenacting the stations of the cross. "It's a brilliant idea," says LaChapelle. "Amanda [Lepore] is thrilled to be playing the part of Mary Magdalene."

Most Stuyvesant Town residents know that owning an alarm clock is an unnecessary expense when you live so luxuriously.

Every Monday through Saturday the maintenance staff offers a free wake up service to be sure all residents begin their day no later than 6:45 am. To keep tenants from over sleeping they are provided with an authentic New York City soundscape including hammering, shouting, drilling and the ever popular leaf blower.

"Starting your day by watching a full grown man blow a single leaf across a 400 foot courtyard is the universe's way of telling me that I can expect nothing but endless possibility throughout my work day," a groggy looking tenant tells us. "And when the crew's cigarette smoke fills my bedroom, as a cancer survivor, I just have to laugh out loud!"

Stuyvesant Town has taken drastic security measures in an aggressive effort to keep their market value tenants safe.

In addition to the new emergency call boxes installed every ten feet, maniacal looking torture devices have been placed near most of the buildings entrances in addition to large, deep holes that have been dug. The plan is to scare, then trap, burglars who threaten the luxurious lifestyle lived by Stuyvesant Town residents.

But the residents we spoke with just seemed confused by this outside-of-the-box approach. "I don't understand their Beetlejuice aesthetic," stated one tenant, "but I pay $7,800 a month for my one bedroom apartment and I want to feel safe."

The new security measures are just some of the many ways that Tishman Speyer hopes to improve the quality of life for their tenants. The gentle giants have recently spent an undisclosed amount of money cutting down nearly 100 perfectly healthy trees to rid Stuyvesant Town of untimely darkness caused by mid-afternoon shade. "When the elderly complain that the park benches are too cold, we listen," said a Stuyvesant Town representative.

Closer to Bellevue Hospital than to Belmont Park.
Living rooms that peer into others' lives.
Stairs that work better than elevators.
Loathe your space.