Why spend money on taxi cabs when you can get exercise and see the sites that Stuyvesant Town has to offer on your bicycle? Take a ride through the Oval and see which forthcoming amenity essential hovel has caught fire today. Put on your helmet and cruise the FDR, you'll feel like a real road warrior should you survive.

When you are all through with your adventurous bike trips you can feel confident about storing your bicycle in Stuyvesant Town's exclusive corner of nowhere Bicycle Carriage Room.

Behind dark rows of storage units and piles of garbage you will find a safe place to store your expensive bicycle so you won't have to clutter up your sprawling, luxury apartment. And don't worry about nosey security cameras watching you because there are none. If your bike hasn't been stolen yet, you'll be glad that Tishman Speyer closely monitors the contractors that come and go from the buildings each day...and night!
 
Best of all there is no charge to have your neighbors chain their twelve bikes to yours or have them continually block your storage unit. Don't forget to register your bike with management!

To report your bike stolen, please contact Calvin A. Farley.

What would a luxurious apartment be without a trendy neighborhood to see and be seen in? Stuyvesant Town offers the most exclusive shopping experiences that are almost comparable to the Meat Packing District for its high class tenants. Tishman Speyer has taken the time to carefully select the most indulgent shops and paint them horror movie green, just for you. So put on your flip flops, grab your lap dog, cell phone, and Parliaments and let's go drop some cash!

Dunkin' Doughnuts - 266 First Avenue

Before we get started on our ritzy shopping excursion let's grab a coffee! And what better way to start the day than with the finest, watered down, nuclear hot coffee in NYC? Don't forget the diabetes inducing, sugar filled doughnuts and crullers. Mmm! Stop by this immaculately clean location and you'll see that construction workers and grandmothers aren't the only ones who enjoy this delicacy! Let's hope the flying insect problem has been resolved.

Starbucks - 286 First Avenue

What? You dropped your D&D coffee? That's OK, their coffee sucks. Starbucks is way better! For a mere $8.73 you can experience true, caffeinated bliss...via an untrained nineteen year old with crackny. Order your Venti, double-skim, no-foam, light-ice, mocha-quizno-supreme and in 35 minutes you'll be sipping on pure heaven! You may even run into the "Yeee-Haaa" cowboy!

Do you know that Starbucks is model friendly? Just ask for a bagel and they will tell you they are out of cream cheese, everyday! Watch out Heidi Klum!

Walgreens - 292-298 First Avenue

All that coffee gave you a headache? No worries, Walgreens is right around the corner. This store / pharmacy is exclusive to Stuyvesant Town so don't expect to find another one in New York City! Where else are you going to find such an eclectic mix of merchandise like tampons, Chef Boyardee, pens, and an over-sized white t-shirt bin? Nowhere!  Regulars know that diet soda is scarce, but don't tell anyone.

Blockbuster - 312 Fist Avenue

Another store exclusive only to Stuyvesant Town is Blockbuster Video. Offering a very limited selection of mainstream movies starring Matthew McConaughey, Meg Ryan, Jennifer Aniston, (the other Meg Ryan), and the Olsen Twins, movie night just got easier! Who needs the variety of millions of movies, documentaries and television shows that Netflix has to offer when Ghost Dad is waiting for you?

GameStop - 324 First Avenue

Who says that because you are over the age of 13 you can't enjoy an intense game of Bully or Mortal Combat? GameStop, that's who! This lavish shop offers the finest selection of violent video games for your playing pleasure. Stop by and drop $8,000 on that new XBOX 360 and a couple of games, your boyfriend his buddies will be glad you did!

RadioShack - 336 First Avenue

Where can you conveniently get a telephone cord, a fuse, and a nickel alloy battery? The neighborhood rack shack! Their knowledgeable staff will help you get started with the new Ham radio hobby you've been meaning to get involved with. And when your fragile, fiber-optic Verizon FiOS goes down for the umpteenth time Radio Shack will have plenty of rabbit ear antennas for sale so you'll never miss an episode of Brothers & Sisters.

There you have it! An exclusive preplanned shopping trip to introduce you to the exclusive shops that Stuyvesant Town has to offer to its luxury renters. A full list of neighborhood shops including CVS, Rite Aid, Strawberry, and Lucky Beaver can be found on Stuyvesant Town's website. As Paris Hilton says, (and who doesn't love a Paris Hilton quote,) shop on, bitches!

Stuyvesant Town's basic open floor plans and living spaces photograph well when you remove a wall or two and add mysterious, sourceless lighting. They feature an OK amount of room for tenants to live, work, and entertain, providing you don't have a TB-friendly pressure wall or a rickety Office Depot privacy screen.

Let's have a look and see how Stuyvesant Town raises the bar for luxury rentals in New York City.


Each apartment features space, high ceilings, low floors, and cement walls to ensure you can hear every conversation in the adjacent apartment. Residents can choose an IKEA or post World War II theme that distinctly accents each apartment.


The bedrooms at Stuyvesant Town are peculiarly proportioned and some even have a closet! Windows are perfect for looking out of. Floors are large enough for rugs which will make your downstairs neighbors more enthusiastic about your shoe collection.

Why watch Mother Nature's beastly Gustav wreak havoc on TV when you can have the same experience right outside your window?  As if exceedingly high rents weren't depressing enough, Stuyvesant Town landscapers and maintenance staff are hard at work bringing all the excitement of a tropical depression right to your front door!  Broken tree branches? Check! Large scale flooding? Check! Floating debris? Check! All hurricane photos submitted by brave Stuy Town weather watchers!

Rotting, over watered trees fell at 8 Stuyvesant Oval...again.
An obsession with sprinklers overflowed this levee!

One testy tenant taped this love letter in both elevators at 525 East 14th Street protesting the suspicious yellow smell within. The riled up resident has obviously overlooked this new "outside of the box" amenity that property owner/manager/debaser Tishman Speyer recently introduced throughout the complex.

"With the success of Oval Pee, Stuyvesant Town would like to introduce you to Mobile Pee. Tired of sharing your single bathroom with four or five roommates? Try Mobile Pee! Out drinking all night and can't make it back to your dorm room apartment in time? Give Mobile Pee a whirl!," so says the email sent out to residents over the weekend.

What have we learned this past 30 seconds? Don't be so quick to blame the dog, Grandfathers all across America exhausted that trick years ago.

Are you thinking about moving to Stuyvesant Town, Manhattan's most glamorous luxury housing complex, but are still unsure if your money would be better spent on a real luxury rental?  This week Lux Living and current Stuyvesant Town residents would like to introduce you to the glamorous Stuy Town lifestyle that comes with a hefty price tag and a plethora of hidden fees.

Today we look at:

Stuyvesant Town's Luxury Amenities, Services and Activities

-    80 acre park, landscaped 24 hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year
-    Weekly Greenmarket incomparable to Union Square's Farmer's Market
-    $250 pet friendly registration fee and an undisclosed dedicated outdoor area for dogs
-    Free Wi-Fi in The Oval, behind the dump truck, near the mosquitoes
-    Free outdoor concerts where unknown bands play '50s hits
-    Access to trains, buses, and taxis, (only for tenants residing near First Avenue)
-    A one hole putting green
-    Front doors on every building
-    New forthcoming Stuyvesant Town website
-    Color copied notices in every lobby to let residents know their utilities are out
-    Six washers and six dryers to accommodate each building
-    Unsecure storage facilities prone to theft and bicycle blockage

Oval Amenities Essentials (still under construction)

"How wonderfully decadent! Look at all those empty beer cans and bottles, NYU and the New School must have had a market rate mixer!

Mr. Speyer, pour more chocolate icing on my belly!"

- Hedonism Bot, in response to "Stuyvesant Town: You Store it, We Cover it with Garbage"

Tishman Speyer's golf cart policy is clear, we can do whatever we damn well please! At the very least, that seems to be the policy of the "Yeee Haaa" cowboy. Once again he was on a bromantic rendezvous this morning at Starbucks, working hard for that overtime pay while using company property for personal use. To hell with those energy conservation classes!

Our Sty Spy snapped these photos of the Tishman Speyer employees around 10:30 this morning. This re-offending cowboy parked his mechanical horse in a crosswalk, blocking wheelchair access, driving in the wrong direction, despite the fact there was ample parking on the street. No wonder "Yeee Haaa" looked nervous as the staff at Starbucks took 15 minutes to make his beverage! Lucky for him there's always a traffic cop with a blind eye to look the other way.

Unfamiliar with the "Yeee Haaa" cowboy? Let us introduce you! He cuts off traffic on the city streets. He chases the elderly out of the crosswalks. He blocks scheduled deliveries for local businesses while damaging property. "Yeee Haaa" also excessively speeds and ignores stop signs. He likes to park his mechanical horse on curbs, in a crosswalks, going in the wrong direction, blocking a wheelchair ramps, and fire hydrants. It's really just too much to type.

Vigilant residents are encouraged to contact:
Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner
Department of Transportation

Full Lux Living Cowboy / Mechanical Horse Coverage

Photos submited by Lux Living reader, Mark

Stuyvesant Town invites you to take advantage of their exclusive  Gowanus Canal Labor Day Get Away!

Your home away from home, the Gowanus Canal experience is comparable to the luxurious lifestyle Stuyvesant Town residents are accustomed to.

The free shuttle leaves OvalHitchhiker Saturday Morning at 9AM sharp! The shuttle invites you to enjoy the on-board refreshments including Combos and Fanta.

The decadent cabanas along the canal will be well stocked with mosquito netting, iodine and Quell!

For more information, or to reserve a seat, please visit www.urbansherpa.biz/pcvst. You can also call the Recreation Department, at 212-598-5296.

A New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene report says that a flea and tick infestation at 19 Stuyvesant Oval has resulted in several Stuyvesant Town tenants becoming demented.

Six months ago, tenants began seeing an extreme change in their neighbors' behavior but didn't think much about it. "The construction around here is enough to drive anyone mad," says Linda Von Testa, a resident of 19 Stuyvesant Oval. "But after they replaced the sidewalks for the third time in nine months and things got back to normal some people I saw in the building were still acting pretty weird."

Mrs. Von Testa says she has seen one neighbor in particular wandering the halls late at night, covered in scabs, pecking away at her laptop and drawing on the laundry room walls with her lipstick. She saw another tenant, also covered in scabs, acting as a doorman. All night long he opened the lobby door for tenants and drug dealers, seemingly in a trance. "It's a scary place...I keep to myself," Mrs. Von Testa admits.

After numerous calls to 311, officials from the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene came, collected the crazed tenants and brought them to a psychiatric ward for testing where it was determined they were suffering from dementia brought on by flea and tick bites. The building was inspected and fifty five of the apartments were found to be infested with the petite pests.

Initially, tenants thought squatters were to blame for the epidemic. The undesirable Stuyvesant Town building has been one of the hardest hit by the transient squatters who have filtrated their way into the complex in recent months due to the dangerously low occupancy rate.

The problem has been traced back to a tawdry madame who moved into the building and ran an escort service out of her apartment. Her clientele consisted mostly of Stuyvesant Town's day laborers, squatters, and management, all of whom contaminated the mistress's apartment with fleas and ticks.

Miss. Cacti Than-Soy, AKA the "Flea Madame" as the New York Post referred to her, was arrested last week and brought up on charges related to prostitution, drugs, racketeering, endangerment, and being a general nuisance. Her apartment is currently undergoing decontamination and will be available for market rate renters in September.