With a total economic collapse coming any day now, there's never been a better time to brush up on your managerial skills and show your boss you're worth a steady paycheck. Forget about those Anthony Robbins and Donald Trump courses at The Learning Annex, how many of their books do you need to buy? Sure, Dr. Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra can bring you inner peace and make you a better person but will that pay the rent? Unlikely! So what to do?
Stuyvesant Town and Tishman Speyer invite you to enroll in their new seminar, Learn to Manage Magnificently, taking place this Saturday at Oval Study.
George Hatzmann, Managing Director for Tishman Speyer will be on hand to give you expert advice on how he became an effective manager at Stuyvesant Town. "The first thing I did was set up my voicemail, and the second thing I did was ignore it," he tells us. "Tenants will have problems, but if I address them, it will only encourage them to call again with more problems. I'm a busy guy."
Mr. Hatzmann will also speak on the importance of task management. "I am a huge fan of delegating. I outsourced our billing department to India, put American Leisure in charge of the Oval Amenities, and hired inmates from the Fishkill Correctional Facility to write all of our correspondence."
Hatzmann does admit his reign at Stuyvesant Town has not always been smooth sailing. "Sure, there have been some bumps in the road, for example, tenants can't understand a single word of our customer service representatives' unique dialect. The Oval Amenities are mostly vacant when we're not hosting our violent, underground cage fights in them and the prison inmates who write our press materials, most only have a sixth grade education at best."
Fans of Mr. Hatzmann rave about his unique management techniques. "I've taken his seminars before and they are full of priceless information," says Ellen Sampson, a busy publicist who calls Stuyvesant Town home. "Before I met Mr. Hatzmann, I used to hire the best writers in New York City to write my press kits, but now, I employ my twelve year-old nephew, Timothy. I save a ton of money and it's shown me that my clients have a wonderful sense of humor!"
Learn to Manage Magnificently will take place at 3PM Saturday afternoon at Oval Study. There is a one-time enrollment fee of $250 and $15 fee to enter through the door.
For an additional fee of only $500 ($499 if you sign up for both courses by 5PM today) TS will also be offering a seminar by the one and only Robbie Speyer entitled "How to get taken to the cleaners by an insurance company when buying a "trophy" real estate property".
Beverage and snack will be served to the first person to arrive.
Mr. Hatzmann was kind enough to sign the flier I found under my door this morning warning of a immenent ST blackout, but only after charging me $15 and turning his back on me.
It's Saturday night! And that means Mother and I are already warming up the Philco to watch a marvelous cinematic adaptation of a real life tragedy in the grand Hollywood style! Here's what the TV Guide says about tonight's feature film:
The Edge of Rob's Razor
Rob had everything and wanted nothing. He learned that he had nothing and wanted everything. He purchased a large housing complex in Manhattan and then ruined it. The path to enlightenment is as sharp and narrow as his Gold Plated Double Edge Razor. With Tyrone Power as Rob Speyer and Clifton Webb as "Bud" Perrone. Riveting Drama. In color.
Oooooh...I have to run...It smells like mother's burning the Jiffy Pop again!
Youse aught to stop making fun of my Columbear frat boy Robby. He helpd me get my GED in prisen and now is helpin while I are a student on werk releese to get my BS in riting and propurty manajment werkin here in StyToiwn. Even tho I was in prisen, I was reeely innercent and now I hav a nice cell with manny cellmats her in StyToiwn. Some are gerls, so its much bedder than Fiskill. I get to wear a tie too. I think its a werk releese thing with the NYC departmet of correcshuns becuz of jail oveerecrowdin. Whatever, Im cool becuase soon I are a milliunair fer tellin my story to some dopey editor and gettin a lot of money to lunch my careeer in reel estate here in NYC. Ther's a lot of muny to be made. Robby said so.
I miss the good old days when edna doodle and bealuh were funny
Luxie,
Glad to see the new Amazon ads. Fuck Google.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/16/fashion/weddings/16engell.html?ref=weddings
Robbie Speyer got married to a woman.
He turned down Beulette for that woman! I am outraged.
Mr. Relevance
I can understand your longings for the past, my dear, but the world changes. Sadly for you, it appears that it short-changes.
Ha! He married Joe Boxer!
In honor of the marriage of Our Great Leader Kim Jung "Robbie" Speyer, TS has announced a renewed and invigorated campaign to evict RS tenants and torment those who still refuse to leave. However, because this is such a special occasion TS promises a one-day suspension of its campaign on Christmas Day.
All Hail to the Great Leader!!!
She must be proud, having married a slum lord an all.
They could have had a lovely outdoor wedding in the Oval and a reception immediately following at Oval Lounge, catered by Brunos. And if they had an apartmet here, then they'd know what lux living really is.
Check out the photo in the NY Times Sunday Styles section. Let's hope that any spawn from this union takes after the bride!
Sounds like a phoney baloney marriage performed by a phoney baloney minister of a phoney baloney "church." Very strange!
Are we going to have a collection to buy the lovely Rob and his beautiful bride a wedding present?
I have a good idea for a nice gift. How about a luxurious 2 bedroom (one for him and one for her)apt in ST rent free for a year right next to the dumpsters! How romantic!
Yes, and a carafe for their brown water and a pet rodent. :)
I hope she likes it up the......
Girl -- LOL!!!
She must wear her Joe Boxer's backward.