Stuyvesant Town residents have often wondered how their landlord and management company, Tishman Speyer, could call the middle class apartment complex "luxury" when they don't have the basic doorman service that real luxury buildings have. Residents would prefer their buildings to employ doorman and not Tishman's 'Big Brother' monitoring system that includes spy cams and electronic ID cards. Tenants are finding out today via e-mail that they are indeed finally getting doormen but it's not quite what they had expected from a 'luxury' apartment complex. The e-mail tenants received from management was penned in their signature ransom note style and read:"Deer Tenints,
Okayshinily we listen to yor complaints and have deesidid to give you the doormens you have bin asking 4. Starting this week we have skedooled some building to have new
Thank yous
Mariano Meeker
Ovsal Manigment"
The new doorman service put into place by incompetent Tishman Speyer doesn't employ actual doormen, but instead employs the thousands of roaches that have infested the buildings. "This has to be the most vile thing yet," an enraged tenant tells us. "What next? Mouse maids?"
A few buildings have already begun using the door vermin and much to their surprise some tenants are actually satisfied. "The cockroaches do a much better job taking care of the buildings than Tishman Speyer ever did," a satisfied tenant tells us. "The sorority girls in my buildings are such pigs but thanks to the new roaches there's never any leftover pizza or Bud Lite cans in the recycling room anymore. They even take care of the vomit in the stairwells!"
Another tenant tells us she finds the new doormen to be the best thing Tishman Speyer has done with the place yet. "Before the cockroach doormen were put in place, I'd come home with groceries and the cockroaches would swarm me and make off with my bags," says Mary O'Donnell, a resident of 6 Stuyvesant Oval. "But now they take my heavy bags from me and deliver them right to my front door. I usually tip them with a slice of stale bread. That's their favorite."
When asked for comment, Tishman Speyer spokesman, Bud Perrone said, "I have no idea what goes on over there. I haven't opened a door since 1954."
After seeing what passes for 'landscapers' and 'construction workers', not to mention out-of-control verbally abusive 'maintenance' men (?), these roaches should be a vast improvement. Surely they are much more intelligent and polite than all of the above-mentioned. As long as Tish-Spey doesn't go 'luxury' on the Roach Motels, some things should improve.
Our building has a rat who usually greets tenants during the evening hours. He's much better dressed in his furry coat than those horrid roaches. They bring back bad memories of the BEDBUG infestation we had two years ago. That was an amenity I could have done without.
Has anyone else noticed that the majority of the new sidewalks, colorful plants, and roach doormen are closer to First Avenue but as you walk to the back of the complex, everything is blacktop and ferns?
I bet they don't tell that to the new tenants on the model apartment tour.
KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Roach
Roach who?
Management Roach you an eviction letter, did you get it?
I was running late for work and one of the doormen flew me across the complex! He was so sweet!
Our new doorman is so helpful, he even offered to take our garbage downstairs.
Our new doorman is so helpful, he even offered to take our garbage downstairs.
Several market-rate tenants who formerly worked for Lehman Brothers have found themselves transformed into hideous insects now that the financial giant has succumbed to the rampant greed inflicting Wall Street. One former employee, Gregor Samsa, who was part of a foursome renting a one-bedroom in Stuy Town, writes of himself: Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens aus unruhigen Träumen erwachte, fand er sich in seinem Bett zu einem ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt. Taking pity upon these former moneymakers who signed leases and could no longer pay, Tish-Spy, who needs the money, decided that they could be usefully employed as doormen. So, when you see a hideous insect running across your kitchen counter, take pity. You could be next!
One of my doormen got very uppity with me today. I whipped out a can of Raid and he soon changed his attitude!
You should see the rodents scampering to welcome people home to 647 & 649 E 14th Street. And someone's thoughtful enough to leave the front Terrace door hooked open every single day so that they can easily enter with you or cross your path and greet you as you go out. What a creepy mess.
Cronyism!!!
This really happened: I went to a neighbor's on the Ave. 1st Ave. loop last night and there was a cockroach crawling up to his doorknob. "Yeah, when they mean doormen they REALLY mean doormen here." OK, the quote part didn't happen. What really ensued was a discussion of the benefits of boric acid at the doorjambs.
Don't knock the Boric Acid, I have used it for years. When you live next door to people who don't clean & who have squirrels running there Apt. for them. I now have it all over my entrance to my apt.so,when I get my apartment fumigated they refuse to do it if there is any sign of boric acid. So out comes the vacuum. Boric acid is gone until they leave. You would think they would be happy we do our own fumigation!! It doesn't cost them anything.
Given their sheer numbers, one has to wonder if they'll soon be renaming PCV/ST 'Cockroach Corners' to reflect the majority of the tenants.
After Tishman decided to plant all of these trees/ferns (which look like half of them weren't viable to begin with) we had an influx of insects and now roaches are appearing. Thanks for the Jurassic Park look. And with all of these trees, it makes it unsafe to be walking around at night considering the security cameras are obscured.