Stuyvesant Town's market rate tenants are finding out that the only thing more infuriating than not having the pressure walls promised in their signed lease agreements, is having management offer a variety of insulting alternatives to create that extra bedroom. The pressurized walls were discontinued recently when it was discovered the shoddy DIY project created poor air circulation and blocked out sunlight, essentially turning the "luxury" rental unit into a modern tenement. To make matters worse the walls are also a danger to firefighters and other first responders because they are unstable and combustible.
Stuyvesant Town's "new tenant liaisons" have done little to remedy the situation aside from collecting names and email addresses from angry tenants and saying they are "confident" that the issue will be resolved "in a few weeks." Tishman Speyer had offered residents portable privacy partitions but recently discontinued those as well when they were to be found highly flammable and contained toxic chemicals.
Stuyvesant Town finally made use of the collected email addresses this morning by sending tenants a notice providing them with suggestions for creating a private living space for their homeless roommates and tenants are enraged by the offensive alternatives.
One of management's brilliant suggestions is to make a "tranquil privacy wall" out of lucky bamboo which tenants can purchase from a local bodega. "We have made a deal with the Stuyvesant bodega on 14th Street and Avenue A and they will offer tenants the bamboo for half-price," stated the email. "Residents must bring a copy of their lease agreement as well as three forms of identification to receive the special offer. Remember, odd numbers are lucky!"
Tenants will need all the luck they can get with the next suggestion. "The Container Store will be on hand in the Oval Thursday afternoon from 1PM-1:15PM handing out free crates," the email read. "The fabulous, multi-functional crates can be stacked to make a wall that provides privacy and lots of valuable storage space!"
The final suggestion is so bizarre is seems that Stuyvesant Town is outright mocking the tenants and their unfortunate circumstances. "If you are unable to build the exotic bamboo wall or have trouble obtaining the funky milk crates, residents are always welcome to rummage through the dumpsters for raw materials to construct a wall that suits their own personal style," the email suggests.
"Dig through dumpsters? How about I dig my SUV through their plate glass window," one angered tenant told us. Another tenant burst into tears when we asked her to comment on the email. "I wake up in a bed full of bugs, take cold showers because they randomly turn off the hot water and now they want me to sift through trash to make a wall? I can't deal anymore."
When asked for comment a representative from Tishman Speyer said they have set up a special hotline to deal with tenant complaints which will no doubt go directly to voicemail.
Those good-looking young tenant liaisons in their short-sleeved summer dress shirts and ties are just not using their noodles! Do you want to make a spare bedroom out of bamboo? Well, here's the way to do it!
Now if you don't mind, mother and I would like to get back to our date with Gordon MacRae.
General Secretary Speyer, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Tishman, open this gate! Mr. Speyer, tear down this wall!
It’s been reported that Tish-Spy has hired the California firm of Josh Jericho & Co. to demolish the pressurized walls that have already been installed. Josh and workers will circle the Oval seven times in their golf carts while blowing their horns, beginning at 7 am on Sunday, July 19. Individual tenants who demanded the installation of these illegal walls will be responsible for cleaning up the remnants of the tumbled walls.
I decided not to spend $$$ on lucky bamboo, but simply used a few of the many dead trees on the premises to create my makeshift walls. They easily lift out of the chronically soggy soil, due to being inadequately planted by illegal maintenance workers with no gardening experience, and since they never had a chance to reach maturation, are lightweight enough to hoist over your shoulder and carry up to your luxury apartment. The only drawback is the disease-carrying mosquitoes, deer ticks, and poisonous spiders these trees are home to, thanks to Tish-Spy buying them at bulk rate from a third-world country, but fill-up your medicine cabinet with antibiotics, and you’ll be good to go!
When is Blackrock & T-S going to writedown this overvalued pile of bricks? The poor folks with their retirement funds tied up in this debacle are going to have to work until they drop dead.
$1 Billion writedown?
$2?
Hey everybody, why not put Stuyvesant Town in "the Corn Belt?" Let's replace these bamboo walls with walls of corn! Why, it grows as high as an elephant's eye! With a little effort, these wonderful new young tenant farmers could have walls of corn that fill grain bins, pilot barges, heck...feed the entire world! All in their spare time! They'd still have time for saucy movies on the Oval!
Let's face it. There are world markets for the more than 9 billion bushels of corn that could be produced by Stuy Town tenant growers in 2008 and beyond! So lets dedicate this blog to all the indoor farmin' tenants who'll help make this crazy world of ours go 'round!
What a lovely idea, Rodgers and Hammerstein. The walls have ears...of corn!
My neighbors just moved in and left a ton of cardboard boxes in the hallway so I got my tape gun out and made a patchwork wall in minutes. The best part is I don't have to water it OR think positive thoughts if I don't feel like it.
Corn walls, brought to you by the good people at Monsonto & T-S. Hah!
I realize this site is supposed to be light-hearted and humorous. Otherwise, who would read it? But, still, this cynical is very discouraging for new tenants, etc - me being one of them.
Honestly, have you people ever lived anywhere else in NYC!? You must be completely oblivious to how good you have it. I'm sure it's fun to mock the hundreds of amenities your virtual gated community has, but for Christ's sake - this is Manhattan. You're ten minutes from Union Square! What do oyu have to complain about?!?! Nobody is forcing you to live there.
Yep, I have lived in other places in Manhattan. But none where such a greed-driven landlord was obsessed with driving up unnecessary expenses and initiatiating ridiculous projects to create unfathomable MCI's to raise people's rents and eventually deregulate them. Nor have I ever had a landlord accuse me of living somewhere else--in the hopes of kicking me out. In fact, my two previous landlords in New York both begged me to stay.
SUcantare--it's time to take off those rose-colored glasses.
I don't spend my money on lucky bamboo, too.
This is not a real bamboo, but someone gave this little plant the name bamboo.
I prefer normal and hardy bamboo. Now I found a way to get thousand of Phyllostachys moso bamboos! There are seeds on
www.Pflanzen-Exoten.de
available. So I must not buy these expensive bamboo plants!